Many of you know that a few weeks ago on August 30th I learned that my baby died...inside of me. It was crushing news to say the least.
My husband and I had been planning and praying for our fourth child and this was the summer my summer (my co workers and I seem to be on some kind of weird rotation schedule.) to finally fulfill that dream. We had gone back and forth about having a fourth, but finally decided that we wanted to have our "Wyatt Andrew."
When the new baby would arrived, our youngest would be ready for prek. We would have 2 older kids and 2 younger ones...just like we had planned for years.
My friends would tease me often because I had been planning and talking about having my "Wyatt Andrew" forever.
It was like he was already here even though he wasn't because for years I had hoped for a 3rd boy. I had bought and saved outfits since 2007. I had "his" nursery planned out in my head. I looked forward to "his" baseball games. Not that we knew this baby was a boy but I wanted it to be my "Wyatt Andrew."
It was the perfect plan...but God showed us on "that day" he had other plans. Plans that I don't understand, but I'm trying to be faithful and believe that they are plans for my good.
Let's back up a bit...
Early in May I stopped taking all my migraine medicines because they all warn of horrible side effects. I started taking prenatal vitamins and extra folic acid. I started working out more just to start getting ready. It wasn't quite time to start trying to get pregnant, but I wanted to be prepared...because I'm a planner HA!!
At the end of the month my little sister-in-law announced she was going to have a baby but sadly learned a few weeks later she had a false positive. It was a sad time for her I thought. At the time, I kept thinking how devastated I would feel to think I was pregnant all those weeks and then find out I wasn't. My heart broke for her. I also had a sweet friend lose a baby at 40+ weeks! I can't imagine!!! It broke my heart too! How in the world is all this craziness happening? And then a friend of my close friend almost died during delivery due to complications of an epidural. I started to freak out a bit and even wonder if God was telling me NO at the time.
I talked with my friends and even asked if they thought God was shutting down my Burrows 4.0 plan. I think I should have listened. Maybe he was.
When June rolled around, I started the Burrows 4.0 Baby Journal. I wrote a journal for each of my kids so they would each know how planned and loved they were even before they were born. It still wasn't time to start trying. I really wanted an April baby. You know me--I was back to the planning. If I had an April baby, it would be timed perfectly so I could be finished for the school year and a long term sub could finish the year for me. I would spend the last few weeks at home with the baby.
July came and I got pregnant right away (I'm really good at baby calendar counting...ask my friends). I knew right away I was pregnant. My workouts all the sudden were so incredibly hard. I remember one night at the Y. I was with my workout buddy and my normal "run" almost killed me. I told her that as awful as I felt, I better be pregnant, but it was way too early to know. I began the countdown (another odd hobby of mine) to when I could take an at-home pregnancy test.
On the morning of our oldest son's birthday, it was finally time. I was sooo excited to see the extra pink line. I knew I was pregnant. I felt pregnant. It was crazy because I was barely pregnant, but for the previous two weeks I felt horrible trying to workout. But one benefit I had noticed, my almost daily migraines from June were gone.
I learned my lesson from previous babies not to call my husband to tell him we were pregnant or to tell Facebook first. He was at work so I had to wait. I also had to wait for all the family to be gone from the birthday party. I didn't want to upset my little sister-in-law so I wanted to wait to tell the family. I did call my friend to tell her. I had to tell someone.
When the company finally left, my husband left the room so I sent him this text:
He quickly came to the room I was in. He was excited, and I was over the moon!!
The next day I told my cousin that lives out of town, but that was it. I wanted to wait to give my sister-in-law time to heal from her loss and not shove our excitement in her face.
I made an appointment with my new OB/GYN. But couldn't get in until August 30th!! I would be 10 weeks by then. I had never waited so long before. I called my primary care dr. I went and had my blood test done by him. My due date would be March 28, 2014. I was just a few days from getting an April baby.
While I waited to see my new dr, I took more home tests...lots of them. I was a little freaked out that I may have had a false positive too. I bought multiple brands. All because I'm crazy.
Weeks went by and the morning sickness (which for me was morning, evening and 1:00 in the morning sickness) kicked in. I had crazy food cravings. When I told my husband that I wanted Whataburger for lunch one day. He responded with "now I know you are pregnant!!" I normally hate Whataburger.
We still hadn't told family or our children. I wanted to wait until after the dr appointment. I planned to wait until my 2nd trimester to make the big Facebook announcement, but on my husbands birthday we would tell the family.
Of course I had it all planned out. This was going to be the Facebook announcement:
When we announced to the family, our youngest was going to wear this shirt and bow that I bought from Etsy.
I had it all planned. Everything was working out great. I could hide it well because it was summer break so I wasn't with my school family very much. I told my teacher friends because I knew they wouldn't tell our families. My friends that saw our family just had to wait. It killed me not to talk about it on Facebook. I tell Facebook everything! lol
In early August my husband and I had our last little getaway before school started. We went to Frisco to visit IKEA and just get away. It was a great trip.
We went to dinner and talked and talked about what to name the new baby. The boy name was easy because of course it had to be "Wyatt Andrew" and we picked "Olivia Marie" for a girl. Wyatt is the name of one of my most favorite students (don't tell him or my other babies) and Andrew is a family name, a Bible name, and another one of my favorite school baby's name so it would be just perfect. Not to mention I've talked about it for years!!! All of our kids have one of their names as a family or Bible name. Olivia was just a name I loved and Marie is my grandma's middle name and the middle name of one my special school baby's. The naming process went really easy and quick. Here is the list we made:
I look back now and wonder if the ease of picking a name was God letting me win a battle because he knew it didn't matter. I never would get to know the gender of my baby. I never would get to give it a name.
As my appointment date got closer, I finally started to tell more people. My husband's birthday was just a week away. The big family reveal was coming. I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait to tell our kids.
August 30th finally arrived. I barely could sleep the night before. I couldn't wait to see our little baby on the ultrasound. I wanted to "tag" myself at the doctor's office, but everyone would know why I was there. I had talked about "my Wyatt Andrew plan" long enough. People had started asking me on Facebook "Hey isn't this the summer for your Wyatt Andrew?"
We had the whole day planned. After the doctor's office we would stop by my grandparents house to tell them, go eat lunch downtown and then that night tell our kids. It was perfect...so I thought.
My new doctor's office was crazy busy that day. We waited forever. The waiting room at one time (I counted of course) had 14 pregnant women waiting to see the doctor.
We finally made it back to room 6. We waited again for the doctor. It was weird. We could hear him in the room next to us talking with a couple. Apparently they had suffered a miscarriage. He was talking very doctorish. I told my husband that I would FREAK out if that ever happened to us...haunting words now.
My doctor came to our room. He was really nice. We chatted for a while. He knew my aunt who is a labor and delivery nurse at that hospital. He told me he had taught kindergarten for 2 years. He won me over with that one! Everyone loves kindergarten teachers. I would forgive him for having a box of XL gloves on the counter.
We moved to room 7 to do the ultrasound. I couldn't wait!! I love seeing my babies. It just makes it seem so real.
He started the ultrasound...and the image I saw I will never ever be able to get out of my mind.
There was our precious baby on the screen. I could see its head and tiny body. It's little legs and arms. But I couldn't see it's heartbeat. It wasn't moving. Our baby was just laying there. I knew something was wrong. My heart stopped. I held my breath afraid of what was coming next.
My doctor starting saying something and honestly I have no idea what he said. I started crying. I cried tears that didn't stop for days.
He moved around on the screen. He pointed out a black spot on the baby and said that is where the heart should be beating and that the baby should be moving around.
I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that our baby was dead. I could believe that I had a dead baby inside of me.
It was horrifying. It was completely heartbreaking. I didn't know anything was wrong. I hadn't had any pain or bleeding. I was having morning sickness like normal. My belly was growing. I didn't understand. I still don't understand.
He immediately went into the what's next phase which my husband and I were not ready to hear. My husband went to sit down and the doctor kept talking. I'm sobbing hysterically. My husband started shaking like he was having a seizure. I couldn't get the words out to ask for help. I just pointed at him and my doctor turned around as my husband passed out. Thankfully my doctor caught him before he fell to the floor. I began to freak out even more. I was devastated about the baby but the thought of losing my husband...I don't want to even imagine.
My husband came to and it was funny (if anything at this moment could be funny) because my doctor was holding on to him and my husband looked at him like "who the hell are you?" The look he gave the doctor was priceless and totally out of character for him. So there I am half naked with a sheet of course, sobbing uncontrollably and laughing at the same time. Why my doctor didn't just send me to the psych ward right then, I will never know.
My choices...have a D&C the next morning or wait and let my body miscarry on its own. I didn't know what to choose. I didn't know what to ask. He told us to go home and think about it and to call him later that evening. He asked if I had any questions. All I could do was shake my head and hope that it was a visible one. I had lots of questions, but I couldn't find my voice. I couldn't find my words.
Walking out of the office was horrible. I tried to hide my tears...my pain...my uncontrollable sobbing, but it was no use. I couldn't. I felt the stares of all the ladies in the waiting room. They knew. They had to have known. I am so thankful that my husband was there standing by my side.
When I left his office I thought I needed to wait and see what my body would do. What if he was wrong? What if God wanted to show us what amazing things he could do? What if the ultrasound was just bad? What if there was a glitch? All the what ifs were running through my mind making it so hard to think clearly.
I was lost. I was numb. I couldn't think. I couldn't breath. All I could do was sob. We got to the car and just sat there for what seemed like forever just trying to get it together long enough to get home.
This verse from the Bible summed it up:
"My joy is gone; grief is upon me; my heart is sick within me." Jeremiah 8:18 ESV
I picked up my phone and typed the hardest post I have ever had to write on Facebook. I had to tell my friends and family that...surprise we were pregnant...but there would not be a baby in March like I had planned. I had to tell them that our baby had died. Just typing it was hard...it still is.
My friends that knew started texting me wanting to know about the doctor's visit. A few asked if we were having twins as a joke. It was so unreal. Just an hour before, I was texting my cousin and sister-in-law that live out of town. I was as happy as could be and then my whole world just stopped.
I don't really remember getting home or how my kids got home from school that day. Everything was a blurr. My head hurt, my body ached, and I couldn't stop crying.
How could my baby die? What did I do? Was it something I ate? Was it because of my medicine? Did I not stop taking it soon enough? Did my first week back to school kill my baby? Was I too old?
All kinds of crazy thoughts and I mean ALL kinds of crazy went through my brain.
I was overwhelmed. I needed to make a decision quick about the next step.
I was overwhelmed in a good way by the support from friends near and far. Facebook was a true blessing. So many friends told me their stories. I never knew so many of my friends had also had miscarriages.
Several women privately messaged me on facebook the good, the bad, and the ugly of having a miscarriage. I needed to hear it. I needed the facts. Real people facts. Not doctor facts. He talked about it like it was no big deal, but to me it felt like I was having an abortion which was terrifying!!!
The thought of having a D&C scared me and made me even more sad. How could I allow my doctor to cut my baby up into pieces and suck it out of my body?!? How am I supposed to be okay with that?!? I'm still not sure that I am ok with my choice.
But after talking and reading other stories of having a natural miscarriage, I knew I needed to do the D&C. It was what I had to do. A friend gave me great advice to have a 2nd ultrasound just for peace of mind. I'm so glad she did. I needed someone to think for me right then. I couldn't make any logical decisions.
My husband called my doctor that night at 5. He told him that we would like to have a second ultrasound before the procedure. My doctor was very understanding. My D&C would be the next day, but we could meet him in his office first and have the 2nd ultrasound.
I had to take a pill that night that said "take by mouth or insert into your vagina!!" How can those two options even be a choice for the same pill?!?
My husband told our oldest boys by himself what was going on. We decided not to tell our 3 year old. Maybe when she's older I will share my heartache with her. She just knew mommy was sad and that my tummy hurt. I knew he must have just talked to them because our boys came to our room where I was "sleeping" and quietly hugged me with tears rolling down their faces and walked out. I couldn't speak. I couldn't help with their pain because I didn't know how to help with my pain. I hurt for them at that point too.
I had to make arrangements with my friend to keep our youngest and our boys would go to a friend's house later that morning while I was in the hospital. Thank goodness for texting! I still could not find my voice. I didn't want to hear the pain in her voice that I'm sure would have been there for me.
My sweet friend gave up her time to be at my house at 7:00 in the morning on Saturday without hesitation and not just any Saturday...it was right after we finished two very hard weeks in kindergarten. If you are a teacher, you totally understand how tired she must have been too.
We headed to the doctor's office. It was a horrible drive. It wasn't suppose to be like this. Going to the hospital because of a baby was supposed to be a joyful occasion. But this trip was not...not at all.
We had the second ultrasound and my doctor was so patient and so kind. He pointed out all the features of the baby. He went over its legs and arms. We tried to listen to its heartbeat, but there was nothing. The baby just laid there. There was no movement.
All my pleading and begging for God to change his mind the night before my procedure didn't work. Nothing changed. I wanted so badly for my doctor to be amazed by God's miracle. My miracle baby...but nothing.
I remembered to ask for a picture after the second ultrasound and I am so glad. I want to remember this baby. I wasn't just losing a stripe on a pregnancy test that shouldn't have ever been there. I had just seen my baby. A real...very tiny...real baby. Why don't people understand this?
We headed to the hospital and checked in. I had to keep telling the nurses why I was there. I didn't want to say the words. I didn't want to say I was there for a D&C. I didn't want to admit that I had given my doctor permission to cut my baby up into pieces and suck it out of me like I was visiting the dentist ridding my mouth of unwanted waste. But I was...wasn't I? Except this baby wasn't unwanted, and it was a life that never would be. I wanted our baby so much. It was killing me.
I was so worried about my husband having to wait in the waiting room by himself, but when my procedure was over of course my wonderful Mamaw had been there by his side. I don't know how she knew where to go or what time to be there, but just like the birthday cards she sends everyone every year...she was right on time and at the right place. I am so thankful for that!
We left the hospital with discharge papers that said "missed abortion" on them which freaked me and made me cry more. Is that what I chose? Did I really just abort my beloved baby???
That day and the days after were pretty much the same. I cried so much and still do. I hurt physically and emotionally. I was a complete mess. Listening to my sweet husband sob as he would hold me at times was way more than I could stand.
He was grieving too, but he had to pick up all the pieces. He had to deal with all the people that called or came by. He had to take care of our three children, work full time, try to work on his college classwork, housework, figure out meals and oh yeah...take care of his freaking out wife.
I am so blessed to have the husband God gave me. He always takes care of me and our family.
I didn't shower for days and hated going to the bathroom because just the sight of the blood made me sick. It was too much. I hated everything the blood stood for. I hated seeing the very physical reminder that my baby was gone.
I would catch myself rubbing my tummy out of habit and would lose it. I couldn't sleep well because of the nightmares. I dreamed of what the doctor had to do the baby. I dreamed of the ultrasound over and over. I would wake up from crying in my sleep.
I got to the point where even breathing was difficult. I started having major anxiety attacks. I just wanted everything to go back to the Thursday before and do all of this over. I wanted everything to be back on track, but I knew my life would never be the way I wanted it.
My coworkers, our church, some of our family and friends really helped out over the last weeks. They brought meals, flowers, and sent words of encouragement. They cared for our older children when we could not. They helped with our youngest too.
I was spilling my heart to anyone that would listen. My poor friend and teammate endured all the gross and scary things that I was feeling and thinking. She never complained, she just listened.
Going back to work was hard. Being around people is still hard. Talking to people face-to-face is really hard. Seeing the pain in their eyes for me makes my pain so much worse.
2 weeks out and finally my "morning sickness" is easing up. Yes...2 weeks out and I still get sick. My body still hurts at times. My hair is starting to fall out so I think my body is finally adjusting to not being pregnant. My body is but not my heart or my mind.
I keep finding things around the house that I had already bought for the new baby and had hid away. It just hurts my heart over and over. Seeing the baby names which I love bring the floods of tears to my eyes and more questions to my heart.
Do we name the baby even though we didn't know the gender? Do we use the beloved names? What do I do with my list? Ugh!! The crazy things I find to worry and stress about!
We are planning to plant a tree for the baby just like we have done for our other children. We plant trees when they are born so they can watch their tree grow as they grow up.
I tried to figure out what God was trying to tell me. What was God's plan in all of this? I'm not mad at God. I don't blame him. How could I? Everything in my life..the good, the bad, and the ugly are part of HIS plan to somehow glorify him. I don't understand why we all face horrible things in our lives, but I try to hold on to God's promises to do good in my life for his glory. It's hard because I am human and I want everything to be my plan.
These are some of the Bible verses that will help me as I heal:
"For when the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all." Psalm 34:17-19 ESV
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is revealed to us."
Romans 8:18 ESV
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3 ESV
"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah"
Psalm 62:8 ESV
"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope is in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." Psalm 42:11 ESV
I also hang on to the hope and promise of seeing my baby again and rejoicing with him/her in Heaven.
"But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."
2 Samuel 12:23
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4 ESV
"For I know I the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 (This has always been a favorite verse of mine, but now I really hold on to it in my heart.)
I pray that God will give me the peace to try again. The peace to have a new plan. My husband wants to name the baby and eventually try to have another baby. I pray that I will be strong enough to do so.
Psalm 27:14 ESV
And beware, next time I'm not going to wait to tell everyone. I may not even make it out of the bathroom before I post my picture. We feel sad that we didn't tell our families when we found out we were pregnant, and for weeks they didn't get to rejoice with us that we were pregnant.
I will get better. I must. But for now, I am sad...incredibly sad.
